somewhere over the rainbow

I held it together

The biggest lump in my throat

My eyes watered and I assured the nurse it was allergies

She's a mom

She knew I was lying

Ganglion cyst

That's what we were told a year ago

No big deal just monitor it

OK

My gut said something was off

Spring went by

 summer was a whirlwind

This cyst had grown

And by august kailah complained quite often

That it was hurting

I want a second opinion I told her pedi. 

So to Dr. hartin we went to get another opinion.

He's a hand surgeon

Great guy and good with kids

Hmmm

He repeated

Looks ganglion but there's a slight chance its not

Its just

So different 

He said

But let's get it out!

So we scheduled outpatient surgery for the following week.

Easy in and out surgery to remove a common 

Ganglion cyst.

Surgery day came

She was so brave

She entertained everyone by performing Frozen lyrics

There were kids everywhere

Zooming around between the legs of the nurses

Some you knew had cancer as their ports were shown 

And their sweet little heads were bald

my heart ached

Palms were sweaty

Ganglion cyst

Thats it

Just a simple cyst

And we go home

She kissed me bye and they walked her to the OR

30 minute surgery

I sat in the waiting room

Watching as nurses came in and relieved anxious parents

2 hours later

Her dr came to me with a worried look

"Its not ganglion, its a tumor...and i honestly dont know if its mlignant or not but its not good"

I didnt cry

I just shook my head trying to listen as other parents stared at me

I wanted to run

Run to my baby

I want to see her now. Right now. This second. Give her to me.

its supposed to be ganglion

This whole time 

This whole damn year

Its supposed to be ganglion

I wanted to laah out and scream

But that lump in my throat

It just sat there stuck

For what seemed like eternity

I got my girl

And ananesthesia was rough

She vomited often in the car and at home

She fell asleep and i sat in the parking lot at ashley furniture

Crying. Just letting that lump go away.

A week went by

I impatiently waited for pathology results

But then her incincision got ugly

It wasn't healing right

Rejected stitches and got infected

So we went in to get it fixed up

Path results were in

He said

"Its a very rare tumor. Its a type of calcifying tumor that regrows after so long but its benign"

Sigh of relief

"But...I want to refer her to another surgeon...he can further evaluate and confirm results as well as see where to go from here"

So we scheduled with another surgeon.

Today was our first day to see the new surgeon. 

Again

I went in thinking 

Ok

Benign tumor needs removing or he will want to just monitor it

No biggie its benign

And in a matter of minutes that dang lump

In my throat was back.

"Xrays

We need xrays right now

Can you fill out these forms?

How is she with anesthesia?

Does she always look like this?

Theres a difference between skinny and frail.

Shes frail.

Does she gain weight?

So for the last two years shes always looked 

Like this? 

She looks sick and frail

Too often these tumors are diagnosed benign but they arent

Sarcoma can hide in the middle

I need to know 100% that this isnt cancer

Her xrays show something i dont like

I need to see more.

Mri immediately

Is she tired lately?

Cranky?

Sick at all?

The tumor hurts?

It grew over summer? 

Do you mind if i take a picture of her hand with my cell phone and 

Send it to another surgeon?

I want him to see this. 

If it is indeed just a calcifying tumor

We will remove it. 

If its sarcoma...

We get aggressive and get oncology on board

Because its ugly and its not good. 

Lets get this mri immediately

And go from there. "

I was like a deer in headlights

If i could put my babies back in my womb, 

I would. 

This is NOT what i expected. 

Im trying to be positive

But i also want to be prepared

Its exhausting being told

Its "no big deal" but it continues

To hit like bricks. 

Tomorrow she will miss more school

And get an mri

And then...

I dont even know. 

Im so lost.

Confused

Distraught

Still trying to let it sink in

I stay busy

If im not busy

I cry

I know it will be okay.

I know she will be okay

I want her to be okay.

So thats the update.

Please pray for my girl. 

Shes super brave.

Shes not excited about the mri or

More surgery.

She doesnt understand whts going on

But she knows her hand needs fixing.

So kinda send some happy thoughts our way

Tomorrow as we get her the mri.